


Better Angels (used, some wear and foxing)

by ambiguously



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Ben Solo Lives, F/M, Leia Organa Lives, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:28:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25196941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ambiguously/pseuds/ambiguously
Summary: After Exegol, things still aren't easy. Ben has an unexpected heart to heart with someone who's been there.
Relationships: Alexsandr Kallus/Hera Syndulla, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 14
Kudos: 41
Collections: Little Black Dress Exchange 2020





	Better Angels (used, some wear and foxing)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lucymonster](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucymonster/gifts).



"They all hate you, you know."

Ben stopped abruptly. The old bitternesses returned to him in a wave. They rarely left him, nagging at him in the voice of his worst and most hated enemy, who stared at him in the mirror each morning as he shaved.

Yes, the other members of the Resistance hated him. He didn't belong here. He was allowed in only under the auspice and unshakable order of his mother. He'd hate anyone who'd killed as many as he had, and caused as much grief, had they come into his circle the same way. Part of him, the old and angry and terrible part, wanted to revel in it. The pieces of him that were still Kylo Ren, always would be him no matter how long Ben lived and who else he grew into along the way, wanted to sneer at the passing voice, and snarl, _"Let them."_

The part of him that had been trying to be Ben most of the time pushed that dark twin aside. "I'm sure they do."

"It's the girl, that Jedi. Rey, isn't it? Her opinion bothers you most." As they always do, his eyes sweep the site to look for her, but she's out of view. Rey returned with him from Exegol and vouched for him then, but had barely spoken to him since except at need. Ben taught her things he remembered from his own long-ago Jedi training, hoping for some return of the warmth he thought they'd shared, but every time, as soon as she'd mastered each new trick, she left him with a brisk thanks.

He wondered how obvious his distress must be to everyone else.

Ben turned on the voice to look at him. Human, male, middle-aged verging on old. He watched Ben with the placid stare of someone who had come close to annihilation so many time he was no longer afraid. Ben wondered if he himself would live long enough to develop that calm attitude, and suspected the heat death of the universe might come first.

His eyes took a second look at the man. "Do I know you?"

"We've met. You were rather young."

One of his mother's old friends, then. Dozens had come at Uncle Lando's call, and many had stayed to say hello to Leia, pledging to help her with what promised to be a grueling months-long cleanup of the First Order's mess in the rest of the galaxy. Cleaning up after the Empire had taken years. The First Order wasn't as far-flung nor as dug in, and its former Supreme Leader was ready to help the Resistance and their allies find every last holdout, even if they all hated him every step of the way.

"You'll have to forgive me. I've killed enough of Mother's friends that the faces start to blur." Ben hadn't held back his inner Kylo in time. Worse, he hadn't tried. No wonder Rey had wanted nothing to do with him as soon as he'd joined their cause.

The man smiled thinly at him. "What's your tally?"

"My what?"

"How many people did you kill in service to the First Order?"

He never kept track. There was only one answer now. "Too many."

The man's face softened. "It always is."

Ben couldn't place the face. He could hazard a guess. "You were ex-Imperial."

"Still am. I walked away, just as you did."

"With everyone hating you?"

"For a while, yes. I killed too many. Even participated in genocide. That doesn't forgive easily."

He had a Core accent, but a faded one, as though he'd lived far away from that bright center of the galaxy for a long, long time. He wasn't at all afraid of Ben, a trait he'd noticed in many of Mother's old acquaintances. He had called Rey a Jedi, but his tone had lacked both awe and contempt. Most people settled for one or the other. Rey drew her share of the first, leaving Ben to gather the dregs of the latter.

Like polarized glass sliding over a hidden picture in a child's novelty book, the man's face flashed into focus in Ben's memory, overlaid neatly with the man before him now. "You came to visit. I was five."

"Yes." His face stayed calm. "You threw my stepson off the balcony."

He had. He and the other boy had been playing together, and they'd argued over a toy. Ben had lashed out in childish anger with the Force, the lurking voice in his head goading him on even then. He'd have committed murder, albeit unintentionally and instantly regretted, but his playmate had powers of his own, and he'd saved himself from a messy death. Mother had been friends with his parents, but they'd never come to visit again after that day.

Another potential friend lost for good due to his own actions. The memory, long banished, returned with full detail and hit him with a breath-stealing shame. "I remember."

"You were always a handful." He didn't sound angry, or vengeful.

"It's a little late for an apology."

"It wouldn't occur to me to ask. You've done worse since."

There was no denying that. Ben stayed silent. This seemed to earn a measure of respect from the man. Kallus, Ben's memory finally provided. His name was Kallus. 

"I know they hate you. I know why they hate you. You hurt them terribly. You committed unforgivable acts."

Ben squirmed inside. Again, he said nothing, even as his inner Kylo itched to lash out.

"I know because they hated me, too. I committed unforgivable acts. The worst part is always going to be the memories, thinking about your justifications at the time, and knowing you can't ever go back to change a single moment."

From across the camp, he saw Rey emerge from one of the makeshift buildings. His eyes couldn't help but lock on her, watch her walk as she laughed and chatted with FN-2187, no, with _Finn_. Finn was her friend. Ben was at best her homework. "She still hates me," he said, not knowing or caring if Kallus heard or understood him.

Whatever his age, his eyes were still good, and he saw the focus of Ben's attention. "She might. She might take a long time to forgive you for the things you've done. She might never forgive you for some of them. That's her right."

It didn't seem fair. Ben had given up everything for her sake. But no, she didn't owe him for that. Pressing her as if she did would only push her away for good. He was learning.

"My wife and I tried to kill each other more than once. We both nearly succeeded. It took us years to get past that. Some days I wonder if she's truly forgiven me for everything."

"You're still married?"

"To my eternal astonishment, yes. Hera always sees the best in people no matter how deeply it's buried. I have to remind myself on the bad days that she sees the best in me, too."

Ben felt the same irritating discomfort he always did when people of his parents' generation went soft and romantic about one another. "Good for you," he said, in as flat a tone as he could manage. "If you've had your fill of taunting me, I do have duties." A little of the inner Kylo came out there as well. Ben had a bad feeling he would spend most of his life trying to stopper his own sarcastic, bitter self.

Kallus smiled in amusement. "Taunting you? Hardly. I've told you nothing you don't know, and no more unkindly than anyone else has. You're surrounded by your former enemies, not the least of them a woman who has every reason to throw you out the next airlock." To Ben's surprise, he placed a hand on Ben's arm. "I've been there. I won't lie to you and say it gets easier. It doesn't. It simply stops being everything you are and fades into one part of who you were. Some of those you've hurt will forgive you, even the ones you hurt most. Someday, if you're very lucky, you might even learn to forgive yourself." He tilted his head, looking past Ben at Rey. "Jedi are notably good at forgiveness. It's a trick you might want to learn if you intend to follow that path again one of these days. And some apologies aren't too late."

He turned the touch into a shove, pushing Ben back, towards Rey and Finn.

"What do I even say?" For a moment, Ben was five years old again, aghast at himself, and terrified, and staring at the enormity of what he'd done. In his ears, a child shouted in fear as he fell, and Finn cried out as the lightsaber sizzled down his flesh, and Rey growled as she attacked him, and Dad called his name on Starkiller, and the voices of so many others he'd hurt echoed with theirs in a terrible, damning cacophony. What answer did he have to the pain he'd caused them? Where could he begin to atone for what he'd done?

"Start with 'I'm sorry,' and work your way up from there."

"They hate me. 'Sorry' won't cover the reasons why."

"No, it's only the first step. It's up to you to keep putting your feet forward from there. When your inner demon tries to interfere, remind yourself that you are your own better angel, even if you don't feel that way most days." Kallus gestured again. "Go on. You can come visit in twenty years or so to let me know how things turn out. Jacen might even be speaking to you by then."

Ben looked at Rey and Finn, and how happy they seemed without his presence. His inner Kylo stung at every word Kallus had said, and wanted to lash out with harsh words of his own, and the futility of expressing remorse. Kylo said it didn't matter if Rey and her friends hated him, if everyone did. Their hatred made him powerful, and it proved he'd been right all along in pushing everyone away. Kylo said Ben could soak in his feelings for Rey for the rest of his life, and she still wouldn't care a whit for him in return, and wouldn't it be easier to hate her in return?

Ben told him to shut up, and he headed over towards Rey, practicing to himself what he wanted to say.

**Author's Note:**

> I read your Madness prompts for Kallus, and this happened.


End file.
